Monday, March 9, 2009

Bring it On: Second State of the Sarah

I'm listening to I'mma Shine by YoungBloodZ right now. That assertion I'm gonna shine. The instrumental that backs it up makes you believe it's true.

And you know there's been some days this month when I really haven't felt that way. There's been days reading this book The White Man's Burden that's busting on the West for thinking that they can just impose some foreign solution on situations they don't know anything about that I think I must be so arrogant for thinking I can help. There's been days where I've felt like I don't know why I'm here I shouldn't be here I don't belong here. And I don't. But there's other days when that's cool and I kind of do belong. There's been some nights when I'm afraid that I follow a religion that has done a lot of harm and hating. And I do. But there's other nights when that's cool and I see I follow a religion that has done a lot of loving, too. There's been days when I read books like Girl Soldier and I struggle cuz the Sunday School answers to suffering sound trite. But there's days when I read Bruchko and suffering isn't a question but an answer. There's been days when I've wrestled with if I'm a Christian or if others would say I'm a Christian cuz there's a lot I thought Christ was that's he's not. But there's been days though when I realize that's okay to wrestle with. There's been days when I'm reading the Bible and I just have to shut it because I don't understand and it makes me upset. But there's days when I'm thinking bible verses to myself in my head and it's true and I know it. There's been days when I feel lost, but there's been days when I feel found.

You know what? Where is the Love by Black Eyed Peas just came up again on iTunes. I'm still having a hard time figuring out just where the love is. But know it's there. Seek and ye shall find, right?

The week in Kapchorwa was good. I did a lot of speaking from the front at the women's conference and at church again and in classes about seeking first the kingdom of God, the just kingdom of a just King where there's just relationships. And dude I don't have those just relationships or even just really compassionate ones and some nights before and after days talking about those just relationships I'd wonder if they're real or I'm a liar and a hypocrite yet talking about it you believe it can be real and you know it's good and you want it even if you don't have it. Cuz love makes you compassionate and just.

And that's the kingdom I want. Maybe tonight even I won't know if all of what I'm saying is for real. I won't now if the kingdom's just not here yet or if it's just not real. But more and more I'm just like that kingdom is worth believing in, so God please Bring it. Oh, and you know what I'm not sure but I think he says It's already brought my daughter, just keep praying Bring it on and it's brought.

That's about where I'm at. Some days when I see the complete failure of kingdom people myself most of all to be that kingdom to each other I'll still question where is the love God that your supposed to give us where are you in our lives where are you if you're God with us. But you know some days I see the kingdom.

I've been so scared that I'll leave Africa without learning the lessons of love and friendship and the Holy Spirit working today. But I finally woke up to the realization that I'm NOT going to learn that lesson before I leave Africa, nor before I leave this earth. I'll still be learning it the day I die. And that's cool. I'm trying to ask God the questions so that he can answer them. That's where I'm at.

Love, peace and joy to you, wherever you're at.
Where are you at, by the way?
Love peace and joy to you there.

1 comment:

  1. But isn't it wonderful that these questions you are asking aren't just answered straight away. Sometimes the answers lie in the experiences we have to live through. I just want you to know that here in Nottingham, UK there is someone thinking of you and keeping you in her prayers, God bless you dear, keep safe and take care, Margaret